Confidence

Confidence is the trust you display when you share your most private personal secrets with another person. That person can be someone else or can be you yourself as strange as that may seem.

When you display that trust towards yourself, this confidence becomes self-confidence. When you have self-confidence, you trust yourself. You know that you can do it. You know that you can count on yourself. You know that your own opinion is as good as someone's opinion. You know that you are as intelligent as anyone else. You are as attractive as anyone else. You don't feel superior OR inferior but EQUAL. You know your own worth; you don't need to prove it to anyone. You make mistakes, sure (because you're not perfect - and by the way NO ONE is) but you don't hate yourself for it. Being self-confident means you like yourself. Being self-confident also means that other people can disagree with you or disapprove of you without your feeling that you're not a worthwhile person.

When you are young, you tend to believe what people tell you, and that's dangerous. As you mature, you learn that you're never as good or as bad as they say you are. If you understand this you will win.
-- George Clooney

How do you behave when you lack confidence in yourself?

You spend a lot of time working hard at

...trying to please other people and ignoring your own needs.
...trying to prove that you are a worthwhile person.
...doing what everyone else is doing.
...having the same opinion as everyone else.
...being what everyone else wants you to be.
...constantly asking if what you are doing or how you look is okay.

Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence.
-- Michael O'Brien

How come you have little or no confidence in yourself?

This is something you have learned/developed over time. You weren't born lacking confidence in yourself. Remember that, it's an important distinction! If you've learned to be this way, than you can also unlearn it.

How do you learn to have little or no confidence in yourself?

A lack of confidence occurs when:
  • Important (important to you) people in your life forget to compliment you on work well done but do criticise you when it's not good enough.
  • Important people criticise you frequently
  • People make the mistake of telling you, for example, that "you're stupid" instead of saying: "that wasn't a very smart thing to do".
  • Too much attention is paid to things you haven't done or could/should have done better.
  • You judge or criticise yourself and your abilities too harshly mostly because this is what you've been hearing for a long time.
  • You evaluate the outcome of situations far worse than they really are
  • You set unrealistic goals that you can't possibly reach.
I've always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.
-- Eddie Murphy

Do any of these sound familiar?

Statement
Yes
No
1. I've always lacked confidence even when I was little.
2. I see myself falling flat on my face - then I do.
3. I usually feel so nervous inside that I sabotage myself.
4. However good I feel, I often look nervous to other people.
5. I often feel unsure when I'm doing something new.
6. I worry that other people will laugh or disapprove of me.
7. I'm confident in some areas, but I feel unsure in others.
8. If something feels too big for me, I just collapse under the weight.
TOTAL

Now that you've completed the questionnaire, you may want to read the comments below that accompany the statements, especially the ones to which you answered "yes", which will be highlighted in blue.

1. I've always lacked confidence even when I was little.
As mentioned before, confidence is learned. You're not born with it, which means of course, that you can change that. It may take a while and a lot of hard work but it's worth it!!! Try to remember some of the negative messages that you got. Take each one and contradict it. Do this several times a day until you KNOW that, yes, you ARE smart regardless of what that person might have said!

2. I see myself falling flat on my face - then I do.
What you think will happen. If you think you're a failure, you'll fail. Confident people think themselves successful and they find success. So before that exam, tell yourself you'll succeed (provided you study, of course!) and you will probably succeed. If you don't for some reason, don't spend too much time and energy on the failure, rather use it as a learning experience. Focus on what you will do differently the next time.

3. I usually feel so nervous inside that I sabotage myself.
Though stage fright "butterflies" are useful because they remind you to give your best, they can also make you so nervous that you feel almost paralysed. Try pretending to feel confident and chances are whatever you're doing will end up coming quite naturally.

4. However good I feel, I often look nervous to other people.
If you act as though you lack confidence, other people will react to that. Use the "SET" plan:
  • SMILE and you'll seem relaxed.
  • Hold EYE CONTACT and you'll seem sure of yourself.
  • TOUCH with a firm handshake or a pat on the arm and you'll seem in control.
These are three elements confident people typically demonstrate.

5. I often feel unsure when I'm doing something new.
You may think that feeling unsure is bad, but not necessarily. This can be a positive strategy because it's no good feeling falsely confident. With something new, feeling unsure is your mind's way of alerting you to your lack of experience or knowledge. You can solve this problem by trying to gather as much information as you can and by practicing ahead of time. This will help you feel more confident.

6. I worry that other people will laugh or disapprove of me.
The secret here is that almost everyone feels like you do. Which means that while you're busy wondering what other people think of you, they're busy wondering what you think of them. Make the most of that. Help other people feel better, approach them, be friendly, ask questions, compliment them. Then, not only will they like you, you'll also be too busy concentrating on them to worry about yourself.

7. I'm confident in some areas, but I feel unsure in others.
Try transferring the confidence you feel in some areas across to "nervous" areas. So when you're facing a new situation, imagine it's one you're familiar with. When you meet people you don't know, imagine they are people you know and like. If you know you can be self-assured about some things, you can imagine being self-assured about everything.

8. If something feels too big for me, I just collapse under the weight.
What's the best way to eat an elephant? One bite at a time. The moral here is it's usually easier to do things in small chunks. So break down a project into smaller realistic goals that will it possible for you to measure your progress. Or try a practice run and then build up from there. There is an exception to this "one bite at a time" approach. Sometimes, doing the outrageously risky can boost your confidence - because it makes everything else seem easy.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

How to increase your self-confidence

  • Think positively about yourself
  • Set goals that are realistic and will be possible for you to reach. Be sure to keep in mind your limitations (don't reach for the top shelf at a height of 12 feet when you are only 5 feet tall). In other words be kind to yourself, make it possible for yourself to succeed!
  • Reward and praise yourself... when you have done well and not so well. Don't always focus on the end product; congratulate yourself on your efforts instead.
  • Don't beat up on yourself when you think you've failed miserably. Resolve to learn from your experience.
  • Dwell on your strengths not your weaknesses.
  • Evaluate yourself based on what YOU think instead of relying on the opinions of others.
  • Approach a new experience as an opportunity to learn rather than an occasion to win or lose.
The harder you work, the luckier you get.
-- Anonymous

Stories on the topic of "Confidence":
Story #1: Don't Let Other People Tell You Who or What You Are
Story #2: How to Confront Your Fear

Return to Teens Talk Issues
Sources
University of Buffalo Student Affairs
Self Confidence
University of Illinois
© 2002 Teens Talk